Today

I need pain. My body is aching for it. I feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack. A panic attack. Both. I'm freaking out! I want nothing more than to SI right now. I don't care how I do it, I just need to feel pain. Its been a long time since the urge has been this bad. Its unbearable. I'm afraid I'm going to relapse. I NEED it so bad! Ugh! Why won't it go away. Id rather quit smoking cold turkey than feel this amount of anxiety and longing for something so horrible. Normally writing helps. Its not. I've tried music. Nope. I'm gonna go smoke and see if I can calm myself.